Last night a little after 1:00 a.m., I awoke to the sound of a shotgun, one bang. And the thought popped into this mind: What if someone had a gun to my head right now and I knew this person was going to pull the trigger. My heart began to beat a little faster and little harder. The ONLY thing I feared losing was the "person" I identify with almost all day long. But a few days ago, as I contemplated what I would have to give up to realize my true nature, something quite different appeared in the mind; I would have to let go of these cherished beliefs related to what I believe certain people did to me over this lifetime....I would have to give up the idea that I was right and they were wrong. And, at that time, I felt like giving up the idea of this 'person/identity/story would be the EASIEST thing to give up. This mind is sooooo conflicted. It contradicts itself ad nauseam.It can't make up it's own mind about anything. I am beginning to see and feel that it really has no substance. But then there are those times when it feels like the biggest, tightest knot that is impossible to undo. But wait, if there is no mind, there can't be a knot....but there is something here that prevents realizing the Truth.....maya, everything is maya...even maya? so then there really is no maya? but you love her, jed, so maya is real? But not Real?