Big I is big, haughty, arrogant and eloquent, knows everything better and always has the strongest reply when needed and is able to demolish anyone who walks in his way. No exceptions. Almost no one can be trusted, so almost everyone is unnoticed in conflict with me. Calculating and always a few steps ahead of the 'opponent'. Nothing is what it seems and that means that the other side of the battle always has the feeling of controlling and being the winning hand. But nothing is less true. And the moment the 'counterparty' drowns and relaxes in its satisfactory condition. Then I mercilessly strike with all weapons collected on the way. Destroy everything. A Pyrrus victory. And when the glorious dance is over, loneliness takes over again.
Little I is full of doubts, afraid to be seen, afraid to be punished for who he is.
No one really likes the big I. He is dissatisfied, intimidating, regularly stomps and uses ridiculous tricks and excuses to not express his real need or feeling. If he is not seen then he roars for existence. If he does not get what he thinks he is entitled to, then it is always up to the other and all registers are pulled open to enforce what is supposedly necessary. While small I can do it so differently. He knows what he needs and why. Small I can do this differently, but he does not get the chance.
Little I hides behind the big I, and big I cover the little I. And every time little I behind that enormous I comes from then I find a great reason to declare the small self-confidence of little I invalid. Only when little I can fully accept myself can I go to rest and retire.
Little I is constantly looking for the perfect superior example. Great I judge if the chosen examples are good before they can see little I. Great I will first check if there is not a weakness in this person. Because other people's weakness can be harmful to small I proved so. If I discover a weakness in the examples, then I take great I violently to protect the little I. Little One is innocent, insignificant, unconscious, and unprejudiced. Great One is alert, much smarter than good for both of them, calculating, combative, suspicious, aggressive and unable to make concessions without exposing the weakness of the other. Everything to give small I a safe passage. But little I can now walk, talk, love, is resilient, does not need a great example anymore and is capable of sincerely relying on his environment. When will that huge I retire?
Last night in my dream I met little I. He stood patiently waiting for his father. With a blue white jacket, just changed front teeth, long hair and stubborn head. I squatted in front of him and looked at him for a moment. What a fun and sweet kid. What exudes a power from those shiny eyes. It's time, I thought. I gave him a hug and he looked at me confidently. I got a lucky quarter from his left jacket pocket. No dime, a quarter. Because ... a quarter of the whole that I am. Dad, mom and sister have the other quarters. There was a bit of rust but it still flashed. I put it back in his pocket, gave little I a hug, a kiss and a shovel and wished him success. And little I ... still looked so happy, innocent and uninhibited from his eyes as the reflection that I know from 30 years ago. Only now did he understand that the wait should stop. The war was long gone ... fortunately.