INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Attachments:

My GF, having a great relationship
My best friend
Being in a relationship/not being alone
My Dad, Mom, and little Sis
Becoming a good guitarist, making music
Losing weight and being thin
Being happy/not depressed
Having people like and love me
Living a long life
Making alot of money
Being healthy
Becoming Enlightened
Enjoying life
Getting a nicer car
Having things my way
Being comfortable
Nicotine and Marijuana
Feeling comfortable in my body
Being attractive
Sex
Having more energy
Not being angry
Not being apathetic
My sister's life getting better
Becoming an integrated human adult
Having a bigger ****
Controlling how others think of me
Understanding/Figuring life out
Healing the relationships in my family
Being loving
Doing something to earn Enlightenment
Being wise, having people respect and learn from me
Finding the right "Enlightenent Teacher"
Having a good job

Yeah, its the "should you decide to take it" part that is troubling.  I know that I am not, and I don't know why.  I don't know what is holding me back...

I'm not sure if letting go is within my control... But still here goes things that I feel like I'm attached to:

Fears of:
Not being healthy
Being boring
Not being enough for a relationship
Appearing needy
Appearing egoistic
Having an ego
Not being worthy of what I have
Losing control
Permanent damage to my body
Wasting time
Being incompetent in bed
....etc

Ideas about who I am:
Smart
Free from ego
Calm and collected
Fit and though
A Man
A person
Young
Having a body
Low energy
Engineer and nerd
forgetful
Seeker of truth
Egoistic (but should disguise it)
A good student of Jed
Etc.

Others:
Food and water
Sleep
Having a roof over my head
Career
My mind and intellect
SmartPhone
Internet
Computers
Friends and people
This forum


Etc. Etc.
All attachments are kinda self-definitions as well all false
Writing these attachments help me see clearly how "ordinary" I am. its such a relief to know that I'm not a special person at all, just a bundle of random attachments and importances collected here and there.

Great that this rant popped up. Lately been aware of what do I think I need "to live a good life" and how to let go of those thoughts.

Is it necessary to know all the clingings to let go of it?

Greatest attachments in everyday life:

1. Thinking

2. Some others:

- Getting things done
- Good relationships with and an approval of all the people
- Movement, sweating, feeling physically strong and good
- Clean surroundings
- Greenery
- Certain food I like to eat

- Cigarettes

- Partner
- Internet
- Phone
- Something to do
- Not too much to do

Patterns of thoughts:

- That somebody somewhere else enjoys the life more than I do here now
- I should be going to that somewhere else
- I have failed it all
- People with whom I spend my life have failed
-> thought of failure & success
- I have to be doing something
- I should be more  ...
- I should be less ...

- Thinking of the looks of the character

- Feeling tight, not having "space for living" - anxiety
- Not being able to stay in track of my own thoughts or plans
- Brain burning out easily of overwhelming -> suicidal thinking (wish of not needing to exist)

- In times of joy: positive thinking, optimism. Seen as clinging as when negativity rushes in I get scared and try to resist the depression and stay positive.
- Making people feel good and smile through the joy of mine

OK GOOD MORNING WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.

What do I cling to? Maybe when the time comes I'll see. Maya will surely test me. 

I've let it all go including everything I think about everything, again and again. I know there's no death without a doubt.  Doesn't mean I won't cling to an edge of a cliff if I could fall off.  It's not about that kind of letting go. 

I know falling into nothing with nothing is the safest place to be, beyond the meaning of safety.   

I loosely cling to the sights, sounds, ideas and feelings which gives me a sense of great appreciation for what appears fleeting though I could create it all again a million times a million, it's all me.   

I cling to comfort and ease. 

I've seen the beginning, the end, and countless points of view all around. I am clinging, barely, to a subtle loud middle. 

What do I cling to? 
Stories, what else?  Nothing like a good story to pass the time. 

I cling to patterns.
I cling to a desire to see the whole in each part. 
I cling to constructs and fantasy and future possibilities.

I cling to clear consistent cohesive awareness that sees it all, and when I do, it slips like sand through the grasp of my thinking.

I cling to letting go.
I cling to doing and undoing.
I cling to knowing and not knowing.
I cling to further and to remembering there's nowhere to go.

Love.

Ah... 'me' too...
I tried this exercise again :
I felt some sadness/nostalgia but also a hint of joy  about leaving the place. It is like looking for the last time at a house you are leaving. Then I'm focused on the present sensations. Is death really coming now ? What does it feel like ?
It feels like an anesthesia but slower, sensations leaving the body etc... I'm holding on my sense of self, aggregation of the I-idea glued to a few physical sensation in the body. Not the stories, just the feeling of being a 'me'... resisting something...
What is let go of : everything else.

I'm attached to being comfortable within the body, creating systems that support being comfortable within body.
I'm attached to the idea of depression and sadness.
I get drawn to fights.
I love the drama and really find it amusing.
I hate boredom and discipline - the idea of tying myself to one routine.
I'm attached to the idea of inferiority - that developed because of my laziness.

Laziness is my companion in everything - to the extent that all my decisions in life so far were taken because i was too lazy to do it the hard way. I will always be lazy for myself but I will be hardworking for others - an exception to keep the pattern running.