Dear reader, lurker, members and (insert any category you see fit):
Every now and then I get an email or post from someone asking me why I sign off with ''Love ya''. Some seem a little offended... like how can you say you ''love'' me when you don't even know me. In a superficial human sense they are correct but at a deeper level I know them better than they know themselves. Yes, I realize that sounds arrogant (
) and I promise I will stop being arrogant tomorrow.
I am not speaking of human love when I say ''love ya''. It has nothing to do with a human being loving another person... there is no such thing as a ''person'', that's just a concept built upon a collection of thoughts, memories and stories. Those stories of human love, for another, for country, for flag, etc. are all just that, stories. Entertaining, but just stories. If they were all added up in a pos and neg manner, I would suggest that they have caused more human grief than happiness.
Living in your stories is a sure road to suffering for the simple reason that they are not true. They are projections of your past hurts and pains into a future collection of should be's, wanna be's, might be's, I need and I don't want's. (that was grammatically challenging. I think I flunked).
Back to human love for a moment. Can you love a person? You might come very close. How? Simply let them be... without projecting anything on them. Don't try to help them or hinder them. Let them experience what they are experiencing. Stop thinking you know a better way, that you can improve them. (how does one improve a dream character?). Stop playing God... if for no other reason that it is disrespectful of that ''other's'' need to experience what they are experiencing.
How many of you have gotten into a romantic relationship with the thought...something like.. ''Gee.. he/she would be just great, 100% perfect if I just tweak that little habit, and perhaps help them realize this/that/whatever. Yeh, I think I can work with them. Gosh life will be great when they realize blah, blah, blah, blah... I sure hope the don't turn out like my last love.''
So... let's focus on ''you''. When you fall in love what do you want? Would you like to have someone completely and totally, without any reservations, accept you AS YOU ARE? How would that feel? Would that not ring of true human love? Should change be appropriate from time to time, wouldn't that be an excellent starting point, unconditional acceptance? On the other hand, how does it feel to be conditionally loved.. like... I love you if/but/when... garbage? Yes, it is garbage because it's just a rerun of stale stories. AND they are not even your stories... they are someone else's of how you should be ... often repeated over a lifetime and inevitably ending up with the same old, same old... borrring....
.
One last point... if you are going to try this I suggest it has nothing to do with words. You don't tell a person anything... actions go deeper and beingness (forgive the NABS) goes much deeper. Pick someone in your life.. it might be a homeless beggar you just noticed in the street, or a spouse... or anything in between.
Decide for a period of time.. starting small, just one minute will do, that you will unconditionally love, accept, forgive and totally allow that person to be what they happen to be... not what you think they are (you don't have a clue anyways) just whatever they are. Let it go as deep as you can and as best you can. They are what they are and they are doing the best they can with what they have. Who are you to get in their way? It's none of your business and IMHO it's totally arrogant and presumptive of you to do so.
BUT WAIT JED.. what the hell are you doing? Aren't you trying to change people? Give me a break!
Well put... and there is a very real difference between what I preached above (forgive me, I know not what I do) and what I practice (I have a pretty good idea of that).
Let me make up a brief story and see if I can dig myself a hole.
A friend comes to you and says, ''I really need help with X''. If, and I emphasize ''IF" they appear very sincere and ''IF'' they come out and ask you for help (i.e., it's not something you are reading into their expressions) then my experience is that you have an obligation to offer assistance. BIG CAVEAT: Don't offer something you don't have.
So, back to you Jed... aren't you doing what you are telling folks to not do.
Permit me to justify and explain (yeh, sure...dig a deeper hole).
Yes, I have assisted a good number of students, however, I have never ''attempted'' to assist anyone who didn't sincerely ask me for assistance. I have never put a book in anyone's hands and said, ''Hey, you really need this''. I have never tried to do some kind of therapy with an acquaintance who just wanted have a coffee and share a little misery and bitching. I have only worked closely with those who have come and asked me for assistance of some kind.
In my experience and observations, the above can contribute to a happier dream experience... what most folks really want. In addition, it's certainly a good way to make the transition into T/R a little more gentle.
As you have read this far, I consider that a plea for assistance on some level. How about trying the above, only briefly at first, and then share your experiences?
I wish you the best always.
Love ya, Jed.