Thanks for reading.
The human body and many of its processes just happen on their own. I get that.
My intellect covers up the fear of not being listened to as a child. Fear of not being good enough to win attention. I'm not hiding from anything, but I am resisting suffering, obviously. Now what?
All the people I read say "dive into the pain, enjoy it, don't resist". Tried it. And yes, if done very skillfully, the suffering will abate quickly ... but then hit back the moment you relax. You end up with a very short respite.
When I had a girlfriend I could use that to prop up my self-image. When I had a job I could use that to some degree also. But skull-crushing depression has put an end to ever having love or financial security in my life. Such damage to the self-image is extremely painful. And it doesn't let up. Every option for movement is blocked.
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