Author Topic: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)  (Read 81943 times)

Jed McKenna

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Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« on: January 08, 2019, 06:19:23 am »
Hi, My name is Sandra Anne. I have been reading and following Jed for a few years now and while doing the Nav Series I felt inspired to write. He encouraged me and must like my work because he suggested publishing it on the forum. I was delighted and am going to post one a week. It's kind of a stream of consciousness on the unraveling of me.  If you are here reading this,  then you were always going to read it,  so don't ever wonder if you are in the right place.  Where ever you are is the right place.  That should be a relief.  Likewise whatever appears here just appears but nevertheless, welcome, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best in every conceivable but mostly inconceivable imaginable way.   



Love, Sandra Anne



You are welcome to share your thoughts in the thread. 



"You think you're lost, but that's not true.  You simply lived a dream or two, you traveled all this way to find, you never left your home behind.  Home is a place in your heart, every journey leads you back to where you start."



                                                          Already Home by Andrew Lloyd Webber





Chapter One



I'm not writing this, in fact, this writing is not even happening, whatever words you think you are seeing here are not really here, you can't read them and I can't write them.  I am literally just a figment of an imagination in the one dreamer as are you so whatever I say here is not really being said.  I don't have to worry about what I say here because I'm not saying it and nothing is being said, even so this writing appears to be happening, even though it's not.  This is probably the weirdest way to start a book, if it is a book, which it isn't, there aren't any books anyway, not like you think there are.  Weird isn't a thing either just another idea in the head that you think you have, which you don't but don't worry, any worry you have or have ever had is not real either. 

That's the good news.  This whole thing is actually good news, if you can grasp it, you might find out that everything is actually okay and always was and always will be.  I suppose that's why I try to say anything even when I don't.  Trying is not a thing either so don't even try to understand this, it is what it is and that's all.



Never-the-less, here's the story.



I had a sad life for as far back as I can really remember.  I started crying, really crying, like when your heart is truly broken, like how you cry when you know that no one in the entire world loves or cares about you at all, like how it feels when you think that there is something so terribly wrong with you that no one could ever love you, totally forlorn crying, broken hearted crying at around the age of thirteen.  At fourteen I was sure that I wanted to just die but I couldn't do it so I starved myself in hopes that it would happen on it's own and just in case there was someone who did or could love me there would be time for them to save me, time for someone to rescue me right before it happened.  So I became both bulimic and anorexic and I started drinking and life became more and more intolerable.  I don't need to go into it,  just know that life sucked for me from a pretty early age and that's how it started. I was, however, wildly efficient and good at crying and though I couldn't have known it at the time, it was probably this blessing that saw me through.



Around the age of 18, I finally managed to get pretty thin and oddly enough I started to feel better about things.  I remember thinking I didn't care anymore what anyone said or did after all I could die so what would it matter and that thought actually made me happy.  Now when my parents yelled at me or during whatever **** anyone was doing, I would think "go ahead, what do I care, I'm probably not sticking around for much more of this anyway."   All of a sudden there was an innocence about me and I became rather childlike, unable to make sense of my situation I think I finally accepted it and somehow that freed me.  To the world, it would seem I had just given up and I had but my total surrender brought relief and I was able to enjoy many simple things again. I was no longer looking for the future to fulfill me since I didn't see that I had one anymore.



Looking  back, I don't think I was ever in any real danger of actually physically expiring but it was bad enough that my parents finally decided it was time to put me into some kind of treatment and my happiness was short-lived.  Probably my "I don't give a **** anymore" attitude and my utter non-reactivity was troubling to my parents so they sent me to this one month treatment program which managed to normalize my eating for the time I was there (then it just went right back).  Nobody was addressing my drinking so on our nights off, I went out and got drunk. 



Afterwards was a long draw out weekly therapy session with a lady named Anne whom I rather liked and looked forward to seeing.  I don't really remember what we talked about other than my family, traumatic events, and how I could learn to deal with things better.  She tried several times to bring my parents into the discussion but that was a no go since my parents wanted no part of it.  My eating was back to being a mess and my drinking was absurd for someone my age but you know it was what it was.  All hopes for me coming back to a resemblance of some kind of normal life were squashed.  Anyway after about a year with her, everything rather suddenly came to a head so to speak and I had something of a nervous breakdown or looking back now probably a breakthrough.  During this time, I became intensely fearful that I might disappear.  What I really thought would happen was that my "I" as in my mind would somehow cease to exist and that I would be completely unaware of the fact that I was gone.  Needless to say, I was drinking heavily as that was the only way I could keep the fear at bay but on one night it was so severe that I was certain that "I" as in my mind would die, it  might happen at any moment, it felt like it was very close to happening.  I was going to lose myself.  I might go crazy and not even know it that was my fear.  It was so intense that I simply became so utterly terrified that in the middle of a snowstorm my mother actually had to drive to the emergency room where I somehow explained the situation and I was given a sedative and sent home. 



On contacting my therapist Anne the next morning, an emergency meeting was made for that or the next day.  Now Anne was located in the next city over which was about 100 mile drive because at the time, eating disorders were so rare that no one where we lived specialized in them.  At any rate, both my parents drove me to my appointment, which was odd because my father rarely (if ever) went along and for a time I actually was driving myself, but this time they were both in the car and during that drive I tried to explain to them that I could "see" why everything in my entire life had worked out exactly the way it had.  I could see how this event shaped this event and how this feeling about this event had shaped my reaction about a next thing, on and on.  It was like I could see the whole thing had just followed a path that naturally would have followed,  I remember trying to explain to my parents how nothing was anyone's fault and that whatever happened just naturally happened on it's own according to what it had to work with.  My parents of course weren't having it because I was saying things like "when you did this, and I thought that, then that's why I did this" and they still thought I was blaming them and they wanted me to see that nothing was their fault, that they hadn't been a part of any of it and that whatever misfortunes I had and whatever behaviors I had were all of my own making completely fabricated by me.  Long story short, I was given a prescription at the meeting which greatly relaxed me and my "vision" disappeared and I went back to the way I was, misery intact.



What happened next isn't important (none of this is after all it's just a story) but my life was on it's own trajectory and according to what most people call "normal", it wasn't and never will be.  Suffering and fear were my base emotions through most of it. 



Fast forward 25 years, I'm now 43 years old and I have three small children, and a husband who wanted nothing do with us and had run off and I'm back to living at home with my parents.  As it happened, my son was attending kindergarten at the local school and one of the parents of his classmates happened to "mention" to me that she had seen a book at Walmart that day or that week that "reminded" her of me.  Now we were all in the habit of sitting outside the school waiting for our children to exit everyday and I do remember talking with this lady once maybe twice on the lawn when the weather was nice but we were hardly close friends and at best just acquaintances.  Looking back, I don't really remember thinking of myself as a particularly "spiritual" person, I did think the whole religion thing was a crock of bogus **** and I might have dabbled in meditation a few times but as far I remember nothing really stands out so why this lady thought of me when she saw "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle for sale at Walmart and mentioned it to me is just the way the universe works.  It knows exactly what you need when you need it.  As it happens, I thought it so odd that she thought of me at all that I immediately ran down to Walmart and purchased the book.  I think I did take it as a sign that I was meant to read it so I guess that was kind of mystical of me.  I had to borrow the money, had to talk my mom out of $10 bucks which was no easy task, she had plenty of money but it was "her" money and she had to think about whether I deserved it or not, go figure, but I think she did give it to me or maybe I stole it, either way I got the book straight away. 



Anyway, I loved the book, really couldn't put it down and read it in like 2 days, then I realized that I had checked out "The Power of Now" about a month before from the library but I didn't read it because I couldn't get into it.  I had no idea what it was talking about but even so something in me saw the pattern of it all mainly that I was meant to read it though I didn't really know why.  I think it's safe to say I was in quite a bit of pain at the time though this was a normal condition for me by then as I've already said too many times. My parents were constantly berating me, what a loser I was for marrying a loser and now living with them.  I was on food stamps which was literally the only source of income I had had in quite some time.  I hated living with my parents but I had no where else to go.  I hated them too.  I had for some time actually hated everything about them, the pettiness of their characters, the total lack of even the smallest amount of compassion for me seemed to go all the way back to the day I was born.  My parents were both from Germany and their cold hearted nature had completely baffled me all my life.  Love and or forgiveness was not something I had ever experienced, not by them, not for myself and not by anybody else either but I had children now and I'd be damned if I would ever let anyone lay a finger on them or hurt them in anyway.  I forgave my children for any and all misgivings, tantrums, anything at all with a ferocity that you'd be hard pressed to find anywhere.  My father had once slapped my son across the face, he was just a baby about 2 years old and I had attacked my father with every riding toy in the room hurling them at his head.  Half eaten dishes sitting on the table were thrown, missed and broken against the wall splattering food everywhere.  I was asked to move out after that and left to be homeless with my children for a few months. Well, it hardly matters now but the **** up nature of the life I was living can not be overstated.



Moving on, I was so enthralled by the teaching of Eckhart Tolle that I must have looked it up online and found out that there was a Meet-up Eckhart Tolle group nearby my home and I decided to go.  I had never been to anything like this before but on the night in question my parents agreed to watch my children for me while I got out of the house.  Well long story short that's the night it happened.  That's the night I disappeared, completely.  Seriously, when I got back from the meeting and walked into my parent's house I was no longer with us.  The Sandra that I thought I was my whole life up until that point in time was gone.  Sandra didn't even know she was gone so she wasn't worried about it because how could something that was no longer there worry about anything.  The person was not there to do it.  In fact, although I seemed to know the place, after all I drove home and knew how to get there, knew my parents and of course my children and the house and things like that, I knew these things but the "who" that knew these things was not there.  It was like the body was there and even the mind was there but the entire history of this person was gone.  I did not even know it but I was in heaven.  I had no judgement about anything at all, nothing bothered me, I simply had no context for anything to bother me, no context within to judge anything as being better or worse than anything else, everything just was and what was was apparently all right with me.  I did not want anything else, didn't need anything to happen or not happen. 



For instance, two events still come to mind about this time.  One was when I got home from the meeting to find my mother drunk and hurling cuss words at my father in the big living room with my children just wandering around playing with their toys, they were only 5, 4, and 3 years old at the time.  Normally this would have pissed me off to high heaven as I was hell bent on giving my children a better early life experience than the one I had but I literally could find nothing wrong with the situation except that I possessed the thought to take my children out of the whole thing and upstairs to the room we shared and put on a movie so they couldn't hear it.  This just happened naturally and there was no worry involved about children being scarred or traumatized.  There was no thought that anything wrong was happening or shouldn't be happening, no thought that my parents were being horrible people and irresponsible, nothing like that.  About an hour later, my mother knocked on my door and we sat on a small couch that was situated outside my room and I listened for about an hour to her drunken venting about what a complete **** my father was.  Now this wasn't a new behavior on her part and had I been in my "usual" state she might have been met with a "For God's sake, shut the **** up and go to bed already."  Well, they say the apple never falls far from the tree.  However, I  neither agreed nor disagreed with her, I think I never said a word but she seemed to want me there so I sat there with her completely unaffected,  I neither cared what she said and I had no caring whether I sat there or not.  This went on for a time until she went to bed and so did I. 



The other event happened later that week, I was sitting at the computer and for some reason my mother came into the room and completely laid into me with every insulting remark you can think of, basically cursing at me and ripping apart my character from top to bottom.  Once again, I just sat and stared at her, I had no feeling one way or the other about any of her words, I made no move to escape or to engage in my own defense.  I was simply not there to do it. 



Other than that, I vaguely remember laying down to go to bed each night with all my children cuddled around me and feeling the most exquisite sensations I had ever had. 



This went on for two weeks until for some reason it occurred to me that I might want to stop smoking and so I tried to quit smoking and just like that Sandra was back, and bam, so was misery.  I didn't know what happened, I had no background to know what happened just that I liked the way that I was then and now I didn't.



So that's how it all got going, not really, nothing is going anywhere but let's pretend it is.  It's not a pretty story but it takes what it takes, anyway none of that really happened, sometimes you get a nice dream (probably people with nice dreams don't come here but you never know) and sometimes its closer to a nightmare, either way you're fine.  Well, you might not feel fine, maybe you feel like ****, maybe you are sitting there comparing and thinking "**** and I thought I had it bad" or "that's nothing, my life was ten times worse."  Either way, it's all going to work out since you are literally dreaming, and sooner or later you can't fail to realize that you were never anywhere and nothing ever happened. 



Unfortunately, the dream is basically all laid out for you in childhood and the only reason it feels like a problem is that you think it's real in the way everyone else does.  Once you know it's not things tend to go in a better direction.  The one thing I can say about my dream is that if some dreams are better at making their dream characters go in search of the truth, mine was exceptional.  I couldn't have asked for a better story.



End of chapter

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breakup

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2019, 06:51:52 am »
That entire first paragraph of chapter 1 looks like something pulled straight out of autolysis.

I can relate to the fear of disappearing. The other night i lost my arm for a moment and I panicked. Tonight I wrote a line and don't remember writing it. I think this is where all the writing is going but of course nothing is going anywhere, no writer to be found, anything written a made up context (and no context). I can't even say for certain my arm vanished anymore. I dunno

Jed McKenna

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 08:02:50 am »
Keep looking, awareness is the ultimate solvent.

Love ya, Jed.

abrakamowse

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 10:53:37 am »
Sandra, hi...

Thanks for sharing your story. Really cool. I think most of us have a similar "story". I noticed lots of common things to what happened to me.

The more similar I found what the part where you mention that you saw how everything was in the correct place as it was supposed to be. In my mind I remember seeing like a giant puzzle with all my memories happening the way they happened because my father die, so I did this... then something else happened and that was why I behave in certain way... very clear. The only difference is that I didn't talk to anyone about that.

That made me realize that the personality we "have" is not made by us, but by the whole. The Universe, or whatever you wanna call THAT.

And the biggest difference is that I didn't loose my identity so strongly as you. In my case is still happening and very slowly. I think is because I was so attached to my idea of myself, that I went crazy went I realized that we don't exist.

I was in a mental hospital too, but now I know that it wasn't me who was crazy... it was my idea of my I thought who went crazy because It couldn't accept the truth.

Thanks!!!

guest1668

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 12:51:38 pm »
Hi Sandra Anne

I have mixed feelings.
On the one hand, you write sincerely.
On the other hand, I can't accept this story as a whole.
I'm sensing some kind of inconsistency.

The first two paragraphs of the first Chapter contain the correct words. But it feels like you're just repeating it as a learned lesson. They don't come from inside you.
Just my senses, nothing more than that.

Then I read further, and again there was some kind of dissonance.
Maybe because if a person is indifferent to stories, he doesn't describe everything in such detail and this way.
Maybe something else. Here I don't want to go to BS.

Anyway, thank you for your open heart. All the best to you.

Sandraanne

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2019, 01:16:59 am »
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to respond with your comments, they've all been very thoughtful and also helpful. 

I think the "fear" of disappearing is clearly of the ego and it's probable that the organism was always meant to shed the ego in adolescence but since no one else around us has done it, it's frightening because we don't know that it's actually not needed to function once we've learned what the basic elements of survival are in our environment.  Otherwise, we might actually look forward to it and welcome it's happening.  Of course, if all the people around us had already done it, we would know what to expect when it occurred and it would even be encouraged.

The 'vision" that occurs is one of seeing that you are not the doer of anything and never have been.  Call it random circumstances or even chance how the dream unfolds from the beginning but no one has ever behaved or done anything by their own free will.  All the conflicts of the dream revolve around everyone believing that they are the "doer" and so is everyone else.  Once seen, total forgiveness and acceptance of yourself and everyone around you becomes inevitable but up until then your dream is like chain reaction and you are the reactor.  So all your character's behavior is reactionary to emotions and thoughts and nothing more.  You aren't creating them as you go along, like you think you are, the flow of thoughts come from the conditioning of your early environment.  Losing the ego means losing the conditioning and now you can really function without impediment and just as consciousness.  Who knows what you might do?  Probably, that's what this "free will" everyone's so fond of talking about really is.  Consciousness expressing itself as itself and nothing more.

Once seen, it would be "validated" by all the other organisms and you could all have a good laugh at whatever nonsense was dreamed up by the ego but since it's not validated and seen as "insanity" it's lost again as quick as it came because the reinforcement for it was not there.  For a moment, you've forgiven everyone, seeing that it had to be the way it was through no fault of your own or anyone else's but now everyone thinks your just crazy and you need to take responsibility for your behavior and life and so they convince you that that's a nice lovely idea (and very convenient for you don't you know, "Are you saying we should just forget everything that's happened and just move on?, they might ask) but that's not the way it is.  Talking to anyone about it, even a therapist, won't help if they haven't made the trip.

Of course, if it was "normal" for people to lose their egos in adolescence, this little dream we're having would be a most wonderful one and not contain the suffering you see now. 

@Breathe. I find your sense of "inconsistency" curious because this writing is clearly a tale by a fictional character.  There are actually a lot of 'inconsistencies" in the dream that we conveniently overlook on a daily basis so if you "sense" inconsistency in this story then you are correct.  Perhaps you can look for some and let me know what you find in your own life or even in this story.  I hope you will continue reading and thanks for your comment.

Thanks to all of you,

Love Always,
Sandra Anne
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 02:07:08 am by Sandraanne »
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guest1170

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2019, 01:41:57 am »
Awesome Sandra

guest1668

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2019, 03:46:30 am »
...let me know what you find in your own life...
Typical Jed's phrase.
I doubt you are really interested in this.

Other comments were positive. My comment contained doubt. And you answered me separately. You have inner resistance hidden by pious words.
But ... from your point of view, if I don't accept something in your words, then because of my illusions.
OK.
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Kati

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2019, 02:03:00 pm »
Dear Sandra Anne,

Thank you for the first tastes of your book and your post.

Once I read your post today, I noticed there something I had been experiencing, but not being able to share it with anyone for real. It seems that fear takes different forms and I didn’t see it as fear before I read your post. I’ve been having feelings and thoughts, that I’ve had to keep inside, because they haven’t been exactly, what this society would like anyone to think or feel like. I’ve become very cold, and if people around me would have known what I was thinking and feeling, or more accurately, what I wasn’t, they would have seen me as a terrible person and sociopath. I learned to act, look like I’m interested in their stupid stuff, though sometimes it’s still difficult. I still act, that’s just the way it goes, things just go smoothier that way. The whole thing became easier, when I realized that lacking of warmth and social interest is just the way I am now. It has also shown how things are so made up in this world. It took a long time for me to get this new way of being. I’ve spent many years in a fog and things just started to appear in cellular level, slowly, bit by bit but I didn’t get it, maybe because I was disappearing. After some time of this cellular change and wondering why I see and feel things so differently, I saw that my world looked like that, because there actually wasn’t “me” anymore. That was the only explanation. It’s strange how things just start changing, mind doesn’t get it and therefore the whole thing is pretty difficult to be processed either. It has taken me a long time to see what’s going on, and I guess I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life in this human-doll-form.

You mentioned “seeing” how things got triggered by some small events and all that took everything to the way all is. It’s wonderful to see that clarity. I’ve had some similar experiences, it opens a whole new world and releases a lot of burden.

I remember Jed ranting about thoughts and people been like radiotransmitters or something like that. About a month back the same thing came to my consciousness a bit wi(l)der. I’m not a big fan of speaking about vibrations, it takes so quickly to new age bs, but I saw that vibrations, different kind of frequencies are all over this so called universe, and depending on the channel one is on, one catches different things, like thoughts, people’s behavior, and appearance of the world. And all that is related on things happening certain way and leading to different kind of outcomes. It was wonderful to see that actually something that appears so complicated would actually be so simple. That way seen, people are just antennas on certain channels. I realized that I had been trying to be on the channel I used to be, but I was on a new channel and it’s okay to be there. I don’t have to be on many channels simultaneously, because that’s what I had been doing and it took a lot of energy. I can still see and hear what happens on the other channel, but I don’t have to be there. Realizing this channel-thing made me see that it had happened because I wasn’t the same I used to be, like I wasn’t the being I used to be. I still don’t know what I am, but I know what I’m not, and I find that very valuable.

Love,
Kati

Sandraanne

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2019, 05:30:53 am »
@ Kati

Thank you so much for your letter.  I loved hearing about your experience with the social aspect.  I don't know if I ever thought of myself as "cold" really just totally uninterested.  I mean at first I felt I really had to dis-identify with the others because I felt their ego was trying to engage mine and basically since everyone is acting from the belief that this consensual reality is real and I was trying to see through my own delusion , it wasn't helpful to me to carry on conversations.  Also, really after any interactions I just felt, I don't know what to call it, the word "wrong" comes to mind or maybe "untrue" works.  Well, it wasn't a pleasant feeling at all (like I was missing) so I've stayed to myself most of the time except that I have children and I can easily relate to them without issue. 

I think the most disturbing aspect is my utter unbelief at the fact that anyone is able to settle for what is called "a normal life" or even accept that "this is it", this is what life is but I guess if the thought or opportunity doesn't arise in you then it just doesn't arise.  Sometimes I feel like I'm "acting" with my children or I might say things that I know I can't really know just to create a sense of well being for them but where I'm apparently willing to do that for them,  I'm not much of a talker with anyone else.  Probably, I just listen and  maybe say "well, don't worry it will all work out one way or another" because I know things are just appearing and disappearing just as fast and nothing is really happening.  Of course, whatever I might say, is just arising as well and I don't feel like I have anything to do with it.  Compassion actually arises quite often for me but when it doesn't well it just doesn't.  I work in a semi hostile environment as you'll find out as the book progresses, so when people are upset and attacking, sometimes what arises is nothing.  I just stare at them and don't say a word, like just nothing.  That's weird but if no words arise then there's just silence and that seeems to be more awkward for them then for me.

I think in some ways the body is also just on auto pilot, and the conditioning continues, for instance, I still find myself getting in my car and driving to work at the right time.  Like where ever I find myself is where I find myself and what ever I say is whatever I find myself saying.  Writing seems to appear the most, go figure.  Things do change like you say though.  That's good news.

Thank you again for your letter.  This is actually the first time I've ever had the chance to relate to anyone else who knows though I know I'm only talking to myself, and I don't really say anything which feels new and really quite nice at the same time.

Love,
Sandra Anne

guest1055

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2019, 08:07:06 am »
Hi, Sandra

Don't really know what to say, just felt like I owe you an honest comment, since your story was really touching. It also made me remember how hard it is to relate to anybody's story, because I have no idea what you were talking about. I have friends who described their experiences in terms of disappearing (one of them called it "depersonalization"), but with me the whole process is very gradual, and obviously I don't have the superpowers yet.

The only part where I could empathize was about how one ego engages another ego - and that's it, there's you basis for conversation. This happens to me all the time. It's just hard for me to get interested in talking. I tried to explain it with: "Well, that's just classic me, still having this depressive aftertaste from the darker days". But this doesn't make sense, no one can be depressed all the time. So, maybe I can relate to that; or maybe I'm just twisting words, which of course I am.

I'm also detecting many similarities between your way of writing an the general new-age way of writing. You know, "I'm there, but I'm not there, but something is". Got me skipping chunks of text with the thought: "Yes, I read it somewhere". Not criticizing though, in fact, you better ignore this remark, because in terms of enlightenment literature I'm really biased and jaded.

Still, if you publish the book, I believe people will be very interested, the emotional side of it is real strong. I for one will definitely read the next chapter if you publish it here.

Cheers

Kati

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2019, 12:09:05 pm »
Dear Sandra Anne,

Thank you for your reply. It seems you can express way better this stuff. I find it very difficult to say anything consistent about it. I’m glad to hear there’s someone who knows what I’m talking about. It seems there's no so much wrong with this after all  ;)

About “coldness”, it’s weird, because in a way it’s a lot about uninterest as you say. The lack of interest is larger than just social things, it’s in everything. People don’t generally seem to understand what I mean, when I say that motivation, interest, will or whatever is just missing. They automatically think that I’m not motivated, interested, or I don’t want something. Not wanting and a missing will is totally different things. There’s something weird about other stuff too. For example, I’ve been having problems with my back (again). I know a lot of stuff I could do to ease it, but I just don’t seem to do any of it. And it’s not procrastinating, it just is. Something is just missing. It’s like I don’t have a connection to this body in a way. It’s not me in pain, it’s this body, and therefore it’s not my problem. I don’t know how else to put this, maybe after 2 years of wandering in fog I can say something smarter about that.

In social situations, I’m not usually interested what people has to say, especially when it’s somehow related in the herd-ish life they have with a strong belief system. Sometimes I feel like I’m ambushed in a social situation where someone wants something from me, I guess it’s usually attention. For some reason I don’t want to give it, maybe I sense, that they’re trying to use me, well it leads to awkward situations when I’m sitting there quiet, have no idea what to say, with a stupid fake grin on my face.  In a way, talking feels often very hollow, empty, it just doesn’t feel like there’s point doing it, especially with certain kind of people. Maybe it’s me who’s empty. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I just don’t get things in social situations. I've had some social accidents. Once, a co-worker was at work for the last day, I asked her what plans she had for the future, a bit small talk in work cafeteria I thought. We ate together and she told about her plans, and then I left without saying a thing. In my room I realized it would have been polite to wish her good luck in her new job.

My work is pretty social and it takes a lot of energy to handle it. I meet a lot of people with mental problems and surprisingly I can find empathy with them. I see pretty well the patterns that causes their suffering, my goal with them is to ease their suffering by giving insight why they feel like it and give some tools to find ways to live without resisting so much. I’m not trying to wake them up though sometimes I’d love to give a good slap on their face to get them out of their head. In a way I see it as a game. I know I can’t make them get out of that misery, but I can give them something, and play along. It’s like a hobby.

People with strong belief system are difficult in social situations, because there’s really not much to say to them. So it’s best to just shut up. I find spiritual people the worst.

I agree about the autopilot. I used to procrastinate a lot. Now I often just find myself doing stuff. Doing things doesn’t seem to be so complicated anymore. In a way I’ve learned to mainly trust that all necessary gets done. Pushing doesn’t help. Autopilot works also partly with social situations. Sometimes words just come out of my mouth and I have no idea where they came from. Writing is weird too. Especially lately, I’ve just witnessed how some hands are doing the writing, they are like stranger’s hands, I don’t recognize them being my hands.

About reacting in situations my autopilot may swear and say some things appropriate in that situation, but I don’t really feel anything. I seem to react how I “should”, but without the feeling. Today my cat threw up in bed and when I woke up to prevent that (trying to get the cat quickly on the floor before puking), I didn’t see in dark and put my hand in the wrong side of the cat, got very smelly vomits on my arm, sheet and blanket. Hubby was sleeping without waking up. Without getting pissed off I got up, washed my arm, cleaned whatever I could, changed the sheet on my blanket and went to couch and continued sleeping there. Things just seems to be taken as they are. The only thing that sometimes makes me pissed of is neighbours making alot of noice, but that's pretty much the only thing.

I don't give that much value on my thoughts, because the thoughts just don't have a value. Maybe that's why there haven't happened that much thinking about these things and it makes it all feel a bit foggy. I just realized that thinking about this stuff has been so difficult, because the thinker is missing. Thank you for writing about this stuff, it helps me to get some clarity to all of this. I've found it very valuable. Thank you!

Love,
Kati


guest1055

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2019, 01:56:04 am »
Not wanting and a missing will is totally different things.

Hope you don't mind me asking, Kati, but what exactly do you mean by that?

I guess everything on this forum (since it's run by Jed) is designed to confuse you, but this phrase didn't. Just made me very curious.

Also, thanks for your post because it connected a lot of dots for me. Now I'm close to seeing what Jed meant by "T/R is ordinary". Back in the day I thought it's magic; now I just see that it can be reduced to people missing a huge chunk of behavioral patterns. Should've listened when I was told that T/R doesn't improve anything. But now it's too late  :

guest1170

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2019, 02:39:05 am »
T/R is the most wonderful thing there is... It just Isnt special or important because theres no entity there to be those things... So... Its "Ordinary".

But even saying its ordinary is not totally accuarate, because when you say this the receiver starts dwelling in the concept of ordinariness, imagination, etc that just gets in the way...

The real answer is... "Get there by yourself"

guest1055

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Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2019, 03:05:47 am »
Thanks for the quote from Jedargadatta McKennaj or whatever that was, but the answer to what, dude? I don’t remember asking a question on how to get there. Especially in the light of the fact that there is no “there”. But why am I arguing, you’re clearly just a conceptual illusion too.

  ;D