INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

(Note: I have been working with this student for a few years... she went through some pretty difficult times, but was consitent and persistent. Here are her coms over approx. three recent days.)

Hi there,

I thought I wouldnt write to you anymore but now I do.

I have experienced a lot after leaving contemplations with you. I recall arriving to a place of peaceful I am and decided to stay there and enjoy the ride. Felt I am totally empty. Material world around was to be experienced. I was totally empty, purposeless, just open for life to happen.

I happened to meet a groundshaking falling in love, getting pregnant for this partner, oh the madness, tornadoing from the most ecstatic beyond all that is known - union to the most devastating ego traps and battles, we suddenly went through it all, in less than five months. Not going to the details, but I trust you know that place.

Throughout the miscarriage and the turmoil of the relationship I remained still within and just kept on working. I started to teach yoga and meditation and enjoyed a lot.

Love wasnt harmonious at all. We had expected it to be forever pure and perfect. Well, it is, still. But we brought up all the madness in each other, all that we couldnt become conscious about juat alone. Then it ended. He broke up with me. But it wasnt me he broke up with. When my groundbreaking shaking started to calm down after 24 hours of the most intensive abyss ever, something awakened inside.

Waiting to fall asleep I could feel it, how to take the mind home. Felt how it wants to disconnect and run here and there and was able to guide it back to the very core. And the energy started to run, it was like a golden well inside me had opened, and warm lava like substance running in my veins healing the whole system, making it alive again, and at the same time could see through all the times and feel there is nothing to worry.

I was seeing the whole fragile construction of "me" at once and that somehow I was now humble enough to just admit everything and go back home.

I feel now very aware of how I channel energy.

Its at the same time the most painful thing to experience and the most ecstatic and beyond words.

Still I experience the mind wandering and wondering, traveling here and there. But now I feel I can just subtly ask her to come back home or go to the places where its more meant to be, and she is tame like a well educated puppy. She was so afraid, totally abandoned, scarred, resisiting. And when she was forced to break the defence, and she free fell to what seemed death.. she realized.

And the energy created in this all is way beyond all that is understandable. The whole being of mine is radiating in a new way. I can sense it. And the body is now immaterial. Trancended? Dont know, but feels totally weightless, yet grounded.

I feel I prepared for this for years.

But as you have stated, the experience is disturbing too. I feel shivering, tingling, hot flashes through the system, flood of energy in and around the heart, radical opening in the eyes and the vision, eyes are wide open also physically, I feel the eyes shining light nothing being there to filter it, suddenly I look very beautiful and happy and kind and fierce all at the same time, really young again. There's awareness of cellular breathing, and everything around, especially everyone, feels stagnated. For that I feel frustration. But as said before, guess that with a state of awareness the unpleasant is still unpleasant, just no need to act upon it - or its more possible to conduct the energy in a very "efficient" manner.

I feel my eyes are shining with light. I experienced a total lack of appetite, body is not willing to receive any food. Also I havent been able to fall asleep. Actually - the whole process that I described started when I took a sleeping pill that made the surface of the mind to surrender. I have been sleeping very poorly lately, but now I feel I can start to settle in to the new needs - I sleep around 5 hrs a day, eat very little, mostly liquid. Meditate a lot, but not in any method. Just everything is meditation. Having a walk, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, reading this and that, just as I always have been. Nothing has changed on the matter. Yet everything changed, I feel the change into the core.

So, I saw I wasnt nearly as done as I thought. Will we ever be?

I wish for our union in this life, and very much see that that might create more suffering or more pleasure or both. I also see that that play is kind of inevitable part of experiencing humanity. Now the play of real creation begins.

Is it that the illusion never seizes, we'll never understand anything in this level, but just come to the place of seeing through very clearly?

This is an invitation to dive deeper.

NEXT DAY'S EMAIL

And I guess still there is nothing I can do about anything..

Quite manic that text written last night is. Feel free to post whatever Im writing when u think its beneficial for the shift.

This morning I woke up in full mania, heart beating fast and thoughts clarifying stuff even faster. What I could do was to breathe deeply.

Spent some hours with intensive reading, just to find some reflections on how core traumas have been operating,
never before have I been able to absorb data so fast - just resonating with it, transcending it. (Only now I realize what it means to transcend, and dont wonder its freaking hard if not impossible to explain.)

Then threw up, properly. Have been gagging for five months.

Doing some yoga, practicing tricks, feels good. Nothing to do here.

So it's happening now then .. beautiful.

What is to expect?

Whatever it is, Im ready.

ANOTHER DAY

And when the morning rose this morning, the storm is gone, the veil lifted.

Absolute peace. Absolute silence,
just birds singing from the open window.

Im laughing with tears in my eyes. No words can describe.

This is it? This is what it has meant when spoken of full blown T/R?

This will be so much fun!

Cheers & love,