INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Nope....nothing.  Not even "a hint" of pressure.  Disapproval....lack of approval with posts suspended in limbo....I feel nothing at all.  This chest is an empty cage.

Speaking of limbo, I think I've arrived.  Halfway to Nowhere.  The sweet spot, in terms of a vantage point to investigate historical impulse to escape from perceived boredom.  Energy's back, in spades.  Interesting...eating food seems to give the body what it needs to function.  Case closed on that one.  Beyond that, there is literally nada going on. 

To clarify, I see that there is continual movement all around.  River walked along is streaming.  Birds flying and singing.  I climbed pretty technical trail up mountain to watch waterfall falling....legs, burning...lungs, sucking wind.  In Bavarian village, where we're hanging out for a few, people bustling around doing stuff...kind of listlessly, from what I can tell.  So, lots of pretty much continuous activity.  Everything's flowing.

It's just that none of that activity is felt inside of me.  There's no fcking way that this is "It".  There must be deeper...further.  Only one way to find out.

Interesting in that the Bavarian village where we're staying....is fake.  Created by entrepreneur who's saw mill company flopped. 

Pretty ironic, don't you think?

I said "a hint of pressure".  Be gentle! 

JK, let 'er rip.  Infinity's put me through more than a few choice fun houses...it'll be interesting to see what's left of reflective state still roaming around in the crawl space.  Remember Risky Business?  Both index fingers extended horizontally, opposing one another beneath the vertical sliders of the equalizer and lift until pegged. 

Crank it up.

Anyways, as mentioned....it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm in the hands of a skillful psychic surgeon, apparently.  Yesterday, the irrepressible impetus to entertainment vanished as if by magic.  I mean, gone.  Dull as a plugged nickel.  What was left was impetus to stillness, misattributed as "boredom".  And, as I sunk in, the exact words....more than once....filtered through, I kid you not: 

"Boredom is not what I thought it was." 

Weird thing is, what's described as "work" doesn't quite track.  What I've seen happen is that, letting go...which is essentially effortless...allows Infinity to put me through It's paces.  All I do is get in the kayak and let the river provide the wild ride, pressuring the way it does...maybe dip the dual paddle in here and there, side-to-side, to redirect to slip stream.  It does the rest.

https://youtu.be/FqrTEQ_1h68

This really is incredible.  Still no pressure!  I'm telling you, it's gone! Oh, wait....no....there's a little bit, felt just now.  A hint of chest pressure.  I know what it is.  It's that feeling of facing what's perceived as a pressured perspective, and the demand to capitulate to make it stop...or to simply run.  Which I won't.   Still....huge for me!  Net pressure reduction.

What that means is I can sift through your words to pick what's relevant....because some of it is.  And that's the quarry.

In a nutshell, you're definitely onto something re facing boredom.  There's a very strong compulsion to keep things entertaining all the time.  It's not exhausting...I almost never feel tired anymore, except when it's time to lay down to sleep.  The rest of the time, it's just this irrepressible stream of energy come from nowhere.  But what's happening is, the craving for entertainment and, more importantly, the need to entertain others is, also, irrepressible.  You can't imagine how thrilled I was to have made you laugh.  I live for laughter and live for making others laugh.  I feel like it's my job...and I love my job!  But, there's something off-putting about my perpetual entertainment-making.  It's alienating, ironically.

*looks above* 200 words!  On the button

Ha!  Oh.....you're good.  I AM in the right place!  Jed's legacy is in good hands, without question. 

Speaking of questions...you've asked a bunch of them and I'm not sure if I should take them one by one or kind of bring it all together to grasp the essence of the "heart of the matter", as you say.

IDK, I'm just gonna start typing. 

So, first off, me coming back here saw something of another breakthrough (there've been boatloads now, and I'm better for it, I feel...I'll explain why a bit later) and I'm not sure how it happened.  As mentioned, no pressure upon what would have previously been felt as chest pressure with your interpreted disapproval, now seen and still felt as affection.  And the "fierce energy" (good description, BTW) was DEFINITELY something trying to break out/through to no pressure.  Years and years ago, the only option was to escape from perceived pressure in any way I could...trying to find a safe place.  It took decades to figure out that escaping from that crushing pressure only made it worse...that there is no safe place and running made the hell hounds run faster and get more rabid.  That's when thoughts of suicide started emerging.  At some point, during my work with Jed...something snapped and realization started filtering in about a different approach.  To stop the desperate running and turn and face the music.  I started flying into the Mouth of Madness...deliberately.  For me, these took place in the context of hellish experiences considered non-ordinary...but that's beside the point....it doesn't matter how it plays out, it'll be different for everyone....ordinary and non-ordinary is the same on the macro scale, as you mentioned.  Infinity knows I like it when things get weird, so I got weird manifestations of auto-digestion, wave after wave of crushing pressure with phantasmagoric experiences that I won't go into, one right after another, on and on and on.  I thought I was gonna die or go insane...even though some deep part of me knew I wouldn't and everything was going according to plan.  I've mentioned it before in writing elsewhere....it felt like I was being accosted by "Infinity's gaslight"...pressure on all sides, and I do mean ALL sides imaginable.  No escape!  But, what I saw happening was that after each wave...the release was exquisite.  Pure magic.  And so, I just continued.  And that continuation has brought me to right here and now.  There must be more.

Here's the thing though.  I'm pretty sure I don't want full on "Truth Realization".  I think what I really want is access to all the dials and sliders available to flirt with complete breakout/through without accidentally stepping all the way through to Truth, which I confess (at the risk of being out cast from what assuredly will be a perfectly marvelous extension of what Jed started) sounds boring AF.

You mentioned the notion of "too much entertainment".  There's such thing, IMHO, as "too little entertainment".  Everything's the same, nothing but an emptiness in truth as far as the eye can see.  Here's a question for you.  Why do we dream at all?  (And don't go into the whole "why ask why" diatribe because you've already asked me a bunch of them Jed's pet peeve being the whole "why?" gripe).  How did dreaming this crazy weird, looping, self-referential dream state even start in the first place? How did untruth spawn from truth, fiction from non-fiction?  I really liked Jed's answer:  Because Infinity was bored!  Nothing's happening!  Everything's the same.  Remember, he said he loved Maya...even though she was his foil (I like to imagine he's still in play, on some fantastic scale..playing with dials and sliders beyond the physical....of course he is!).  He even enjoyed seeing her/talking with her periodically (I like to imagine those were actual experienced phenomena...not just a literary device).  What was up with that, from a purist truth-thumping perspective?  He even told me, at one point that, when he broke through all the way...he was given a choice!  To stay in the godhood of pure Truth....or to return to the dream with just a shred of ego in play in order to play in the dream.  IDK about you, but Jed seemed to LIKE being entertained, on a certain level. He chose to return to the dream with just a sliver to cohere around. Why do that, if Truth is all it's cr a cked up to be? I imagine I know exactly why.  Infinity WANTS to dream.  It's trying to learn how to dream just right, somehow. 

To me, it's about options.  I know what I like and don't like, even though that changes from one instance to the next...which I also like!   I felt little in terms of reaction when Calvin hissed. Mostly, the before and after kinda felt the same.  But still, I prefer him purring...and the preference was about not wanting to create tension in him resulting in his hissing because I know (or imagine I know) he feels destabilized/conflicted when he hisses at me...there's fear.  I used to get mad at him when he would bully the other cats and reacted strongly and I could see him being terrified about losing his home...being cast out.  I know he wants my approval, as a cat....sees me as his alpha.  So I want to give him love and make him feel approved of without over-stimulating him with affection (Oh!  There's the "too much entertainment" thing...."too much affection") causing him to lash out and then be afraid, which it looks like he is whenever he does.

Anyways, I know I need more "breakthrough" in the hope it'll give me more options....flexibility....creativity....to experience the marvels of this dream without feeling trapped within the content.  I guess part of me is concerned that if I break all the way through, I'll be trapped in No-Man's Land.  Bored AF!

I'm a persnickety MF! I want just the right amount entertainment, which always changes all the time, both in scale and content...to be surprised, but not all the time....to be in awe, but not too much awe that I'm just overwhelmed.  Mystery, but not too much mystery.  I want options in all directions without too many options leading to feeling lost.  Just call me Goldilocks!  I want it all, which sound ridiculous I'm sure.  I know that I'm a dream machine and just want to figure out what this thing can do.  Seems like there's loads of hardware/software I haven't accessed yet.

Problem with "wanting it all" is that it leads to this constant thinking about all this stuff almost continually instead of enjoying what's been released to...letting it range for awhile.  I'm not a fundamentally patient person.  I like the feeling of movement, inspiration, staccato breakthrough, rocketing forward.  I'm a thrill-seeking, bliss ninny fer shure.   

I don't care about "spirituality" thing really, so the "spiritual bypassing" comment didn't land.  I'm progressively becoming blissfully free from caring much at all what others think of me.  I do care about alignment which helps relieve tension for others, though....giving them a break from feeling judged, if possible.  I've seen that in action.  Taking "relief space" out and about and spreading it around town. I don't want credit for it...I just like seeing/feeling how tension relief seems contagious in some strange way.

Same goes for "social identification"...honestly, it doesn't feel like there's much left of that...though maybe I'm here to find what's missing or being overlooked.  Sitting here, it feels like precious little.  No pressure! 

Anyways, this is a big dump.  You may have to reimplement the whole "200 words" thingy, because my capacity for yapping seems near irrepressible.  Your call.  Beyond that, I am asking you to help me find what's hiding.  What is it? Asking the questions helps.  Actually, no response/disapproval button helps too!  Whatever happens, helps.  There must be something, else...as mentioned...else I wouldn't be here. 

We are both absolutely playing our roles to perfection.  It is as it should be and cannot be otherwise.  I know this....and then forget it, if only for the joy of remembering it again and again and again.  That's the flicker.  I like the flicker.  Don't ask me why, I just do.  I think I like the laughter part the best, which I've heard is a flicker between "yes" and "no". That resonates, so I'm in on an explanation as good as any other.

Thanks for the love bite.  And, it's already working!  Historically a snap-back like this would be perceived as disapproval, regardless of its source intention...and I'd interpret it as this crushing pressure in my chest.  RN, I feel nothing.  But affection, felt as just open-heartedness.  And this is unknown territory for me, even as I speak.  This is brand new.  And so I know I'm in the right place.  And will absolutely follow through.

Time to strip! 

So, scenario one.  Total approval, across the board.  Everyone I meet meets me with total and complete approval, no matter what I do it's just accepted.  And, not just people: Things!  Experiences, interaction with everything conceivable and inconceivable....every exchange met with acceptance and acknowledgement of a job well-done.  "Good job!  You're doing great!  You're the best...ever!"  There's no friction....just empty approval without tension.  Where's the fun in that?!  Heat death of the universe...no more streaming entropy. 

In a word, boring AF.

And, now....scenario two: Total disapproval. Everyone I meet meets me with total and complete rejection.  "You suck!  I don't like you and I don't like your momma either!  **** you and the horse you rode in on" I'm obstructed at every turn...every application, denied.  Every open opportunity, a door slammed in the face.  !BAM! !BAM! !BAM! !BAM! Even animals shun me, after lashing out in annoyance/irritation.  Worse than scabies...the most abhorrent, repulsive, itchy, nausea-inducing irritant in the history of the universe.  Everything runs from me....and I do mean EVERYthing.  It's runaway expansion of the very substance of reality, repelled multilaterally.  Accelerating space in all directions.  A different kind of emptiness...but, wait....no.  The same kind of emptiness, emptiness being what emptiness is.

In a word, boring AF.

So, looking at these two opposing options....where does that leave me RN?  Right where I want to be, experiencing the just-right tension flickering between approval and disapproval.  The delicious friction of vibration of being alive and in play, bouncing between winning and losing.  I don't want to strip naked (nobody wants that, trust me) because where's there left to go?  Strip tease is best.  It's the carrot compelling forward...or Further...in this strange state of affairs.

So, if I'm right where I want to be in this dream of life...what the hell am I doing here?  I don't know!  I'm being absolutely sincere here.  I have no **** clue.  I was called back by your e-mail.  So....something's up.

Let's see where it goes



ADD:  LOL!  And, of course...just now.  Giving affection to one of our five cats, Calvin, laying on our bed.  A big, fluffy Norwegian Forest kitty.  He's the alpha and has to stay on brand, don'tchya know.  He's a sweetie and loves affection and gives back, enjoying the stroking and head-and-chin scratch..purring softly.  But only up to a point.  Point of which a switch flips and he gets irritated...huffing to hiss and running away.  I SWTG, this just happened.

Agreement from Infinity itself, if you ask me.  Booyah!